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Prepare to Waifu: The Hottest Soulsborne Boss From Each Game
By Yung Namahage • 5 years ago

It's true that there is beauty to be found in ugliness. Within depressing ruins, bleak dungeons and lethal swamps you might be able to find some real hotties. To commemorate the release of FromSoftware's latest beating stick, Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice, I'll be going through some of the most memorable moments from their notoriously difficult action RPGs: the boss fights. Specifically the ones that you might think twice about fighting because of how good they look, before you end up getting flattened anyway.


Maiden Astrea (Demon's Souls)

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Ah, the Valley of Defilement. You might know Blighttown, but that's a cakewalk compared its predecessor. After facing countless leeches, rats and uneven platforms you find that the final boss of this hellhole is just a sweet little maiden. But while it may be her name on the healthbar, the real threat is her heavily armored boyfriend, Garl Vinland, who'll stop at nothing to protect her. And judging by the sheer number of corpses around the area, he's succeeded in his mission many times. That nun pussy must be ridiculous. 

Crossbreed Priscilla (Dark Souls I)

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The concept of mercy is virtually nonexistent in the world of Dark Souls. But that changes a bit once you reach the surprisingly nice boss of the Painted World of Ariamis. Unlike most bosses, walking into her vicinity doesn't force you to fight her and you can leave whenever you want. But if you do choose to attack her (and why would you?) the game classes you as a sinner, so expect to be punished. She might be half dragon but she's an entire snack.

Mytha, The Baneful Queen (Dark Souls II)

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If you told me you didn't want a lamia to sensually coil her tail around you I'd think you're lying. That fishnet-looking top really brings out her snake tiddies, and a detached head can have more than a few applications if you're imaginative enough. It's a shame she literally lives in a pit of poison said to keep her young and beautiful, but I'd certainly learn to live with it. 

Lady Maria of the Astral Clocktower (Bloodborne)

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One of the recurring features in the Soulsborne series is a waifu in the hub area that you can give your hard-earned souls to in exchange for stat upgrades. Bloodborne has an endearing doll that Gehrman invites you to "use" however you want. In the DLC you find the inspiration for the doll: Gehrman's student and legendary hunter Maria, who's nowhere near as placid as her doll counterpart. If it weren''t for those rakuyo I sure wouldn't leave her well enough alone.

Dancer of the Boreal Valley (Dark Souls III)

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A lot of people complained about Dark Souls II having too many bosses of the dudes in armor variety. The final game in the trilogy remedies this problem with a much wider variety of bosses, including a woman in armor who happens to be thicker than a Snicker. It's hard not to get distracted by those mesmerising contortions and that jutting undead booty. No doubt she was Irithyll's best stripper in a previous life.


So there we have it. Who would you add to the list? Have you picked up Sekiro yet? How many times have you died already? Let us know below.