Japan has no shortage of cultural differences that I don’t really understand, and maid cafes have long been one where the purpose has not connected with my mind in any way, shape, or form. This season I’m going to check out Akiba Maid War, which so far appears to literally be an anime where someone said “what if maid cafes were like gangs, and they beat the shit out of each other”. That idea was so stupid, so fascinating, that I immediatly had to sign up to get some first impressions. While I’m interested in checking out the series, it still doesn’t change my mind about real life maid cafes. What’s the real advantage?

Now this is more my kind of maid.

My problem here is mostly mental, though depending on how much the service costs, maybe it would be financial too.You see if I were to go to a maid cafe I would immediately feel like I’m going to Hooters, which makes me feel sleazy. These days Hooters has kinda toned down the sexual associations with the restaurant, but I still can’t help but feel like a loser everytime I eat there. It’s like an area where single men congregate to eat wings and cry while spotting a boob every now and then. Cafes are ultimately much less overtly sexual since the girls are in outfits, but come on. We know why the patrons are there, and to my knowledge it usually isn’t for the amazing coffee. Having some girl pretend to like me and call me Master when I know she’s just hoping I leave a good tip sounds like a horrible nightmare, not a fun afternoon tea break. Funny enough, I did a bit of scholarly reading (on Wikipedia) and supposedly the establishments are not seen in a sexual light in Japan, and the experience is supposed to serve more as an escape from work responsibilities. I suppose I could see the appeal of FINALLY telling someone else to do some work for ME after my grueling 10 hour Japanese work day. Though I also want to know who is filling out these surveys, and where. How many people in Japan are honestly gonna write “yeah I come here cause the girls are cute as fuck and call me master” even if they think it?

Chill out, I know not a damn one of yall is happy to see me.

Still, while I find maids sexy, playing pretend with strangers is very hard for me and I don’t think I’d EVER try this out unless I was with a group of friends. At that point I don’t think the experience would be quite as depressing and “personal” feeling in the same way that I’ve never gone to Hooters without the homies. Right now I don’t think I could even if I wanted to, but the maid cafe business is an ever-expanding industry. Maybe one day there will be one down around the corner, and perhaps we’ll have to give it a try and see if my perspective changes. Have you been to a maid cafe before? Are you interested in the concept? Is there one near you? Put on your uniform, brew some coffee, and serve your master- uh, customer in the comments below!